Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
