i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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