She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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