Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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