just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
