Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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