I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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