bring money and cleavage
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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