she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
