I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
