The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
