She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
