Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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