YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
