i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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