Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
