Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
