She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
