Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You are the jesus of drinking
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
