If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
