i just snorted my name. best moment ever
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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