I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
