I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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