dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
