The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Pants are for mortals
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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