I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
