onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
