I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
