Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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