Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
