i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
