God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
