every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
