Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
