Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
