His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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