I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
