btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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