I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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