i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
