Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
