I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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