did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm just crazy horny about you
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
