So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
