The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Randomize
