the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
