would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
