So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
