Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
