All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Randomize
