I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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