So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize