I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
