There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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