i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
