What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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