: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
