he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
