he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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