Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
