do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
