i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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