I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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