Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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