OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
