Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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