Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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