Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
